Caveat: In order to write about this, non-dualistic language, in particular, use of the word “I” is used often. At no time am I giving credence to the existence of a character or an ego or a self. However, the mind that the “I” refers to is a tool of awareness. Thus, when I refer to “I” or “my” awareness, it isn’t really mine at all. That is because the “I” is awareness.)
Awareness has been playing a little cat and mouse game with itself. Early on during the post awakening process, when awareness found itself head deep into identification, awareness would redirect attention toward itself. This typically involves attention paying attention to attention; sometimes it involves awareness noticing the sense of being; and sometimes, it involves awareness merely resting as awareness, as itself.
This has subsequently led to a deep sense of stabilization of being nothing more than spacious open awareness itself. That is not to say that identification does not still happen over here in this unit. It does. However, it is usually quickly seen through, and awareness as awareness continues on.
Lately, and for the fun of it, awareness been trying to catch moments in which awareness is NOT present. This seems somewhat humorous. It’s like looking at your body to see if it’s not there. You know it is there, but you look anyway. And sure enough, it’s still there. It’s the same thing with awareness. No matter when awareness tries to look to see if it is not there, it is still there! Awareness cannot NOT find when awareness NOT there. Yes, there are memories of awareness not being present, such as those nightly gaps that occur during deep sleep. However, while in deep sleep, there is no possibility, or so it seems, of awareness being able to even look for itself or its “not self”, or anything, for that matter.